Thoughts Honesty & Gratitude

So a friend of mine made a blog post a couple weeks ago titled HONESTY and told of some happenings that took place in her home even though it wasn't the most happy and "picture perfect family" posting. I really liked the post because it was just little sibling disputes that are inevitable in every home but I loved how she told the story honestly because we all can relate.

I give you this precursor because this is going to be my honesty blog posting.

I'm sitting here awake at 2 am thinking back to 2 weeks ago when I was mentally preparing myself to be up with a baby every 3 hours. Instead I'm up every 3 hours with my yellow medela breast pump and hoping this milk will get to be used sooner rather than later. Ansley is still receiving all her nutrients through an IV and will not be able to use a feeding tube for at least another 5 days:( All the tests excluding the MRI (it will have to wait until she comes off one of the machines she's on) were ran today and we receive the results in the morning (maybe this is why I can't sleep). I'll have Joey post the results tomorrow. (or I mean later today)
I was also thinking back to the times I complained of pregnancy and the difficulty in that first month being home with a newborn baby. I think the Lord is teaching me some valuable lessons and I'll think before I do much more complaining. Here are some of the things I have been grateful for that I never imagined would mean so much before-

-the sound of a baby crying
- my baby's eyes being open
-wet diapers (I get to give Ansley a bath and change her diaper tomorrow & I'm so excited!!!)
(this is her favorite position, the nurses said they turned her over like this and she was just a snoozin'!)

Also, as much as I know that everything these past few days has happened for a reason and God has a plan I have allowed for thoughts like these:
-because of MY body's malfunction, my baby girl is hooked up to what seems like a million tubes and in the NICU
-if the baby would have come sooner maybe my placenta would not have tried to detach from the uterus
-was there something I did during pregnancy that made this malfunction happen?!

I know again the Lord is strengthening me and teaching me to substitute these negative thoughts with these:
-the staff at UAMS at the time I came into the hospital could not have been more fabulous and better prepared for the events that occurred.
- Arkansas Children's Hospital is the leading hospital in the country with the treatment and knowledge of the cooling cap (that Ansley needed)
- I am fortunate that I was at the hospital when my placenta detached from the uterus or I may not even have our little Ansley here right now.
- I am grateful I was given strength to prove I was able (walk and get around well after my cesarean) to be discharged from the hospital early to be with my family.

As much as I am trying to keep an optimistic attitude I thought I'd be honest and sort through some things while I am unable to sleep. Today was hard because I watched a premie come into the hospital last night and get stationed across from Ansley. The baby weighed 1.5 lbs. The mom came in today and as I saw her holding her baby tears just started falling down my face. I was not envious of this mother, but I thought-- this baby just came in last night and mine has been in here 6 days and I still can't hold her! I was glad the mom was able to hold her baby, I don't wish this on anyone. I just longed to hold Ansley like she got to hold hers. As I was watching this I had little Ansley's fingers around my index finger and she gave it a little squeeze. It was small and simple but helped me snap out of it and I know I will eventually get to hold her I just need to be patient.
I think this is my favorite picture EVER! My 3 FAVORITES!!! I love them!

In times like these I had a relief society president in my BYU ward advise us to focus on all the things we are be grateful for. I don't think I've ever felt so grateful in my life as I have these last 6 days. (Isn't funny how our feelings can range so completely opposite on the spectrum when events like these happen?!) I will never be able to fully show how grateful I am for the love and support me and my family have received. I have felt your love and continue to because of your prayers! I'll make a list so I can visually see how blessed I am and how much our Heavenly Father cares for us and sends his earthly angels to us in times of need:
1. This last Sunday I received emails that 5 different wards (including
our new one here that has taken us in so quickly with open arms)
included us in their fasts.
2. Comments, Emails, Phone Calls and texts from family and friends
expressing love and concern. They always come at the best times!
3. Messages I have received from people I do not even know but took
time to share a similar experience and that they care and are praying
4. Help with Avery so Joey and I are able to go to the hospital to meet
with doctors.
5. Family (near and far) that have come to help!!!
6. The yummy Dinners that have been brought by (not a day has gone
by that a dinner has not been brought in)
7. Gifts that have shown up at the hospital from family, friends and
anonymous givers (if you were one of the "unknown gift givers"
thank-you) I went down to the gift shop to see if a mistake was made
and they left off the from, the lady said it was meant to be unknown
so thank you... I feel bad not making a thank you card for it.
8. Packages and cards that have been sent in the mail.
9. People who have called or emailed to tell us they put Ansley's name on the temple prayer roll.

10. Caring and Trained Nurses and Doctors

11. Joey (I couldn't ask for a better husband, he is the BEST) and Avery (I am probably driving Avery nuts with all the hugs and kisses I constantly want to give her)

12. Visitors and many many more things I am sure I have left out

Every bit of it has made us smile and been a comfort! I am so so GRATEFUL for EVERYTHING and thank you, thank you, thank you to ALL! I think now I'll sleep better...